Sending Out an S.O.S.

See that house over there? You may have to squint, it’s small.
Look closely, there’s a garden with a rainbow assortment of vegetables and flowers.
The grass is lush and natural,
well maintained by chickens that roost in the back yard coop
and the sturdy little push-mower that’s stored in the shed.

Do you hear the chickens?
I think they might be fighting over a bug.

If you look inside the house, you’ll see it’s been gutted,
restored and remodeled by happy owners.
All the furnishings are vintage, handmade or thrifted,
reupholstered, repainted and repurposed.
Everything has a perfect place as the interior was designed over years,
with love, with intention.



It’s a creative home, full of easy smiles and warm hugs.
Friends and family are encouraged to stop over for coffee,
conversations and impromptu jam sessions.
Spontaneous dancing happens often!
I think the family spends more time with the life’s collection of art supplies
than they do anything else.
Of course, the parents make their living in creative fields,
being their own bosses and managing their own time.
Art, music and technology mesh daily.
 Hard work is encouraged, especially when it doesn’t feel like “work”.

I could keep going….
talk about how they spend their free time volunteering or outdoors,
they maintain a budget, have health insurance,
contribute to savings and their favorite charities,
 they look forward to book club meetings
and they enjoy learning about different cultures while trying to make the foods, etc.

This is my dream.
My goal.
I know it’s not lofty or extravagant but it’s mine and always has been.

I’ve been meaning to take action, to reach out to my friends.
To expose my underbelly, stop making everything appear fine and take charge.
I can no longer sit still.
I have to do what I’m meant to do, reach my goals with my life and children.
I’m not going to give it up.

Unfortunately, I’ve been in a relationship that makes it difficult to support this dream.
Although it seems like it might be there, I have to believe in actions, not words,
especially after years of proof.
Super sad faced right now.
 Embarrassed that yet again, I may have failed.
I know, I know, don’t be down on myself…whatever.
It does feel like failure, let me feel it until I don’t feel it anymore.
One day soon I’ll have my “from the ashes a phoenix will rise” moment.



I’m angry.
It’s unhealthy and ugly and so NOT ME.
It doesn’t make sense to continue to be mad, right? Seems sensible.

I need to stop acting like I have all the answers
and start reaching out to my friends and family for emotional support.
I’ve always been the advice giver, the one sought out for a listening ear.
Secretly I always thought I’d be able to pull it together for us.
Now I know I may only be able to achieve my dreams on my own.
We might become Me…it’s just one letter change, a part of my journey.
There, now I'm smiling.

Give me a few years and come on over for coffee or wine or both.
 I’d love to see you.
We can talk about how things are going in your adventures.


P.S
Seriously, I've been singing this all day...



and did you hear about the bears dining on free chicken dinners in Alaska?

**Edited October 1st. 
Thankfully we've seen real progress. 
We're doing much better now, working together. 
Action, not just words are taking place! 
I see a future again. Happy dance!